Visiting Auschwitz: Why I Didn’t Cry When I Expected Myself To

Going to Auschwitz was always part of the plan. The Holocaust is a historical event that always hit a little too close to home due to some reasons I will not share here. However, one thing I can tell you is that those reasons actually helped me write an essay about the event that led me to win my first writing award. Later, I was sent to Israel for the 1st International Youth Congress on Holocaust Remembrance.

That week I spent in Israel made me go on a deep dive into history and somehow (try to) understand what happened to the people persecuted during the second world war. There wasn’t a day when my fellow congress participants and I weren’t crying as we went through the halls of Yad Vashem, looked through records and items left behind by the victims, and even when we met actual survivors of the Holocaust.

If you know me personally, you would know that I’m not one for crying in public. But the Yad Vashem Museum in Israel? Oh, that was an exception.

During the seminars, the talks, and even when we got to meet the late President Shimon Peres, Auschwitz was always mentioned. I knew what and where it was. We all know the horrors that happened there. We’ve read books about the Holocaust – from Anne Frank to Primo Levi, down to Elie Wiesel. Sure, it was painful to discuss knowing the suffering people experienced in these camps people talk about – especially Auschwitz – but they always felt a little too abstract.

That is, until I found myself there.

Getting to Auschwitz from Kraków

We drove to Kraków the day before from Berlin. It was a long weekend and we wanted to do a bit of travelling. My husband Alvin and I went with our friends – The Rubios. I was actually excited to see Poland. It’s not the first country that comes to mind when one is travelling through Europe but it was one of my must-visits due to its rich history. For Auschwitz though, I was trying to get myself emotionally ready for it.

We checked into the apartment we rented via Booking.com then went to see the Old Town.

It was beautiful and people were sweet. I enjoyed our walk through the beautiful buildings that were thankfully spared from bombings during the war. They were bright and colourful despite the city’s grim past.

On the day of our visit to Auschwitz, the sky was overcast and there was a bit of rain. I was hoping for some sun to make it (if possible) less sad.

The drive was supposed to take about an hour or less as the place was just about 70 kilometres from Kraków. However, we encountered heavy traffic. Thankfully, we already had our tickets and we were able to just go in quickly.

So, take my advice. Book your tickets in advance and print them out. Don’t just reserve slots online – pay for them. The line for ticket payment and pick up was pretty long when we got there. Also, don’t carry big bags. Even medium sized-totes. You might be asked to leave them at a package counter.

We found our guide and started the tour.

Auschwitz I

Going through the entrance to the camp with its famous sign, I expected a wave of emotion. Here it is. You’ve seen the photos and the videos, the documentaries. Heck, you’ve even met someone who passed through this gate.

But there was nothing. The place obviously had no soul. Survivors often talked about how all hope and even God himself left this place a long time ago. Years after its liberation, they continue to avoid it. I looked around and I was dead sure I wasn’t the only one feeling numb.

Our guide led us through the blocks, talking about the function of each. Sleeping quarters for soldiers, for prisoners. The mess hall. The place where prisoners who violated the rules were punished, usually cramped in a tiny room with poor ventilation. His voice was soothing yet you know he was strict. It was like an academic tour – something I appreciated. It was clear and direct. He didn’t mince his words but he didn’t exaggerate with emotions either.

Records, photos, and even models of the gas chambers were available in different rooms, aiding the storytelling done by our guide (he’s wearing the yellow coat with the hood).

Thousands of eyeglasses, prayer shawls (Tallit), kitchenware, polishing brushes, shoes, suitcases – things left behind by the people who thought they were going somewhere to build a new life. There was also a room full of shaved hair – something I couldn’t bear to take photos of (also, they later announced that it was forbidden). Shaving the prisoners’ heads were not just about preventing lice. The hair the Nazis took were used to make carpets and socks.

Just outside block 11 was the death wall. Thousands were shot here – mostly Polish political prisoners, Soviet prisoners of war, and Jews who did not toe the line at the camps.

The first gas chamber (Crematorium I) that went into operation can also be found in Auschwitz I. The Nazis stopped using it after the big gas chambers in Birkenau went into operation.

Birkenau

If life in Auschwitz I already looked bad, Auschwitz II – Birkenau was even worse. The group was given a few minutes for a break and we were asked to meet up with our guide at the bus stop.

It was an eerie feeling getting on a vehicle marked for the death camp. But walking the three-kilometre distance between the camps would have taken a bit longer and the rain ensured that some parts of the road were muddy.

While Auschwitz I had blocks made of brick and ensured a smidge of warmth during the winter, Birkenau had wooden sheds for its prisoners.

Prisoners had a schedule for eating and relieving themselves and they had to do everything together. Showers were rare which ensured the spread of disease and in the colder months, most of them didn’t have the proper clothes but had to continue working.

People coming through trains were separated on the sides of this railroad. People on the left were sent to gas chambers and people on the right were to become forced labourers.

I love this photo of Jewish teenagers from Israel coming over to learn more about their history. It is a disservice, after all, to the people who lost their lives here if they’re ever forgotten.

The last part of the tour focuses on the central camp baths or ‘saunas’. It was suddenly, inexplicably cold. The sun decided to show itself for a bit and there was no wind but this place just felt a lot colder than the rest of the camp.

These massive gas chambers were bombed by the Nazis towards the end of the war in an effort to conceal their crimes. Some bodies were even burned in shallow ditches to get rid of them quickly.

There wasn’t much to see but I think this was the most moving part of the exhibit. Stripped of their clothing and belongings, the people brought here were made to think they were all going for a shower before they move into their new ‘accommodations’.

But it was Zyklon B that came out instead of water and people died within minutes, gasping for breath. People in the tour were quiet and were asked by the guide to just take it all in and pay their respects.

But how? When you’re just numb all over, feeling like you have a huge rock in your throat?

Why You Should Go

I think Auschwitz is a place that everyone should visit should an opportunity arise. It will be tough and you may end up questioning yourself.

No, you won’t be able to relate to the suffering of the victims of that evil regime. It won’t be cathartic nor will it feel like your journey towards understanding the Holocaust has come full circle. To be honest, I left feeling like I knew even less and that I was unworthy.

Throughout history, events similar to the Holocaust have repeated itself. To this day, people in different parts of the world are still treated in inhumane ways for being part of a certain racial group. Visiting Auschwitz and learning more about the horrors racism and what certain radical beliefs can lead to, contributes to the education of our population.

If it’s too far, there is always the virtual tour. Learn, research, and tell others so that we may not forget them.

Useful Information for Visitors

Do pin this image if you found this piece useful in planning your visit so that it can help out others too.

While it is possible to tour the camps by yourself, I would highly recommend going with a guide. It doesn’t make much of a difference in the cost and they give you so much information in the process. You can find more information about going on a group tour or hiring your own guide in this link.

Give your visit an ample amount of time. A tour usually lasts for about 3.5 hours. Make sure you wear comfortable shoes and don’t bring your big bags with you. There is a package counter where you can leave it, but it would be less trouble for you if you just bring a tiny purse.

Getting to the museum is easiest by bringing your own car. There are parking lots near the entrance. However, if you wish to take public transport, you can find all your options in this link.

And with this, I end this post that was – admittedly – difficult to write. Will be coming back with more soon.

Love,

Carol